IVF can be very scary. After all the preparation, a huge disappointment followed. This cycle repeats itself until success occurs, and that can be mentally and physically exhausting.
The first step after our unsuccessful fertility treatment was to process our failure.
I was able to deal with it more easily than my wife. I accepted the outcome with a seemingly rational explanation: nature intervened, everything happened for a reason and there was nothing I could do to change this fact. This may not seem like a good coping mechanism but it worked for me. In my opinion, IVF is actually a battle with nature. If we cannot achieve something naturally, we try our best to succeed in another way. However, it does not always work.
I am certain that for many of us it is a very hard situation to handle. It is very similar to the process of mourning and the five stages of grief. I truly believe that this pain and all of the negative feelings have to disappear first before trying to move on to the next cycle.
Fortunately, my wife handled this experience of loss much better than I thought she would, especially because she was so confident that we had succeeded. It seemed to me that it was harder for her to deal with the physical side effects (slight weight gain, bloating). I think it is because emotional troubles can be talked about and we can cry the pain away sooner. We can also try to distract ourselves from them. However, physical changes can be seen every day for a long time before everything returns back to normal and they may be harder to hide. It is important for the body to be rid of all the stimulation drugs and that can take weeks. It was the same for us; after a month and a half my wife’s body returned to normal.
I have read many articles about how a failed IVF can become the biggest crisis in a relationship. Fortunately, I have not felt this way so far and I hope that this will not change for us in the future either.
It is very easy to organise one’s entire life around their fertility journey. I think that this creates extra pressure and does more harm than good. It was one of the main things we tried to keep in our minds while dealing with our failed cycle. We wanted to continue living our lives as normal as possible and have time for ourselves, both alone and together, work, sport, friends and family.
Also, I think that it is very important that our self-esteem is not compromised either. My wife had fewer eggs than average, which made her frustrated and my spermiogram revealed that my sperm had all sorts of issues. In the end, our cycle failed. Those are legitimate reasons for turning our backs on each other and the entire world. Well, luckily, this is not our style.
It is quite clear that people who desire a child will try over and over again to make their dreams come true. It was obvious to us that we are going to continue our fertility treatments, but we had a lot of factors to consider. Are we going to continue at the same clinic? Are we going to keep seeing the same doctor? If not, what clinic are we going to choose next? Even though we still have to answer all of these questions, I know that we are going to be more educated and experienced next time.
