A normal reaction of a healthy man: Is everything fine with me or not?
As I mentioned before, our IVF specialist didn’t give me too many things to do. The doctor gave me referrals for a blood test and the semen analysis. Two tests only, which compared to my wife’s list, was nothing.
"I won’t lie: the result hit me hard, and it was almost unbelievable for me."
Blood tests are needed for men to know if they don’t have any infectious diseases, such as HIV, hepatitis, HPV, syphilis, etc. It’s just a normal blood test, easy, nothing to worry about.
I didn’t make a big deal about the sperm test either. I knew that everything was fine with me. My confidence was based on a very strong fact. At the age of 47, I am a father to three amazing, healthy, smart, beautiful girls. I don’t need better evidence, that I am the masterpiece of creation. I couldn't see why I could not do what I have done 23, 19 and 10 years ago. (Of course, it did not even cross my mind that many years passed.) So, I was absolutely ready for testing.
The semen or sperm analysis needed a bit of preparation. The instruction was “3-7 days abstinence”. Doing a bit research, I found that not having sex for 4-5 days can bring us the best result (if you keep the guys inside longer or shorter it can affect negatively the result). Cheating is not allowed either (you know what I mean, when no one can see you). You have to remember these rules when giving the sample for the fertilization later as well.
My wife asked me to drink plenty of water for one week prior to the test. We all know drinking enough water is essential to keep our organs, and cells functioning properly. So, it makes sense that it has the same effect on our reproductive cells: the sperms. Semen production can be reduced by not drinking enough water and causing dehydration; the semen can get thicker, and the sperms may have trouble swimming. I increased my water intake to 3 liters per day.
The day the big test arrived. I proudly produced the sample for the semen analysis as the doctor asked me to do, and I was waiting for the result without any fear or worry.
The next day I received my result via email. My numbers were not exactly what I hoped for. I jumped on my laptop, hoping that my best friend Google would help me out and I would find written evidence that my numbers might not be great but at least acceptable. “Every man kindles the fire below his own pot”, so do I. I started to create my own explanations: it’s not even so bad, it's just ‘sometimes’ a bit different than the normal numbers. The room at the Clinic was not the most ideal environment for this kind of activity either, and it must have had an effect on the result as well. If you would have been there, you would know what I mean…
I won’t lie: the result hit me hard, and it was almost unbelievable for me. On one hand, I tried to accept it, but on the other hand, I really hoped the doctor would tell me that my result is not as bad as it looks.
This was the day when the world of IVF grabbed me. I still tried to believe that everything is fine with me, and that the doctor would tell me something that can put my ego back into the ‘masterpiece of creation’ stage. But deep down, I knew that it is not only about ‘my wife’s issue’ anymore, but about mine as well. This was one more thing that would make us stronger.
One thing you should know from the beginning, is how much your wife is going to do for your future baby.
We decided who is going to be our fertility specialist. We considered a few factors, but I think it’s pretty normal that the final decision was my wife’s. We chose a specialist who was recommended by her gynaecologist. After the first consultation with him, it was obvious that the treatment would be heavier on my wife, than on me. I was asked to take two tests only: a blood work, and the famous semen analysis, which compared to my wife’s list, was nothing. I think the best way to use my time and energy is to support her, and be there for her if she needs me.
"She was in so much pain from the pressure on her blocked tubes, that I could hear her yelling at the waiting room. "
It was evident that, if she wants, I am going to accompany her to all the appointments she has to go to. This is a real couple-goal. I want her to feel that we are doing this together. Support is always a good way to show you care, even if most of the time I cannot do anything else then just sit in the waiting room, and drive to and back home from the clinic.
So, today I was a driver again, and took her to the gynaecologist for HyCoSy. The doctor ordered her to take a new fallopian tube examination. Depending on this exam, we will know if we should/can go for IUI (intra-uterine insemination) or IVF. Fallopian tubes and their function is important because they lead the eggs to the womb, and it is also the place where the big meeting with the sperm happens. If the fallopian tubes are blocked, it’s impossible, and also can cause further complications.
Of course, I wanted to know a little bit more about this exam. The procedure is not too complicated. The doctor is going to inject some contrast fluid into the womb, and check by ultrasound the fluid's path journey. If the ultrasound can show the fluid passing through the tubes, it means the fallopians are clear, if not, it means they are blocked. If the tubes function well, the examination process is almost painless (they say), but if they don’t it can be painful. So, I am really worried for her, as our last information is that both her tubes are blocked.
Based on my research, I found something which gave some hope. It can happen during the examination process that from the pressure of the liquid the fallopian tubes become unblocked. Actually, one of my friends got pregnant right after HyCoSy, never before and never since then. Understandably, I had mixed feelings about the appointment.
To make it short: my wife is a superhero. She was in so much pain from the pressure on her blocked tubes, that I could hear her yelling at the waiting room. The good news: that the pain didn’t last, so she was completely fine when we left the clinic. The bad news: both of her tubes are completely blocked, so it’s more likely that our only one way of having a child is going for IVF.
What basic steps you will face during IVF.
After I had to omit my first plan – solving our problem in house, ‘in vivo’ instead of ‘in vitro’ – failed, and acknowledged that we are going to need medical help, I started to learn about IVF treatments. I think all of us have some idea about what it is. Everyone has a friend, family member, or a colleague who has some experience in this field (but it’s true, it isn’t something we would discuss over a beer). These days it’s also common to hear about celebrities undergoing fertility treatments as well. Meaning: IVF became an accepted way of making a baby. Even though everyone prefers to have a child in the normal (and much more fun) way, unfortunately it’s not as easy for everyone.
"Everyone has a friend, family member, or a colleague who has some experience in this field (but it’s true, it isn’t something we would discuss over a beer). "
So, here are the basics which (even) a man should know about fertility & IVF.
- Hopefully everyone knows how to conceive naturally. In the middle of the woman’s menstruation cycle, her ovary releases an egg. The egg (also called ovum) starts to travel through the fallopian tube in the direction of the womb. During this trip the egg meets the sperm, and if they meet at the right time and like each other, the magic might happen. The fertilized egg continues its journey to the womb, where it develops into an embryo and is going to implant into the uterus lining. BOOM! Simple as 1x1.
But ‘in vitro’ it’s not as simple:
- The IVF treatment is going to start the 2nd day of your partner’s period, and actually everything will be scheduled around her menstrual cycle.
- In a normal month (without IVF) a woman releases only 1 egg per cycle. In IVF we need more eggs. This is possible with hormone stimulation, that’s why your partner is going to need the hormone injections. Be very proud of her, because we all know how a man can react to pain.
- The stimulation process is controlled by the doctor regularly (it’s not lucky to have under- or overstimulation either). The doctor checks on the follicles with an ultrasound test. The stimulation phase takes approximately 10-12 days, depending on how her body reacts to the hormones.
- When the follicles look matured enough, your partner has to go under a minor surgery. It’s called egg retrieval, or egg collection. The doctor is going to poke all the follicles and collect the eggs from all of them. This is a very low risk surgery, so nothing to worry about, but again: it won’t be performed on you, so be supportive!
- At the same time of the egg collection, your major, and only one job is due as well: sperm collection.
- From here, there are two different ways to go:
- The embryologist will let some of the sperms meet the eggs freely. This is approximately the same as it would happen ‘in vivo’. Or
- The embryologist will choose the best-looking sperm and help him enter the egg. It usually happens if there are not too many eggs or sperms available.
- After this, the lab keeps the fertilized eggs in an incubator for 3-5 days, depending on their development. Unfortunately, not all embryos are going to make it until Day5. It’s normal.
- Depending on the embryo-development, your doctor is going to decide the best time for embryo transfer. You are also going to have a consultation about the optimal number of transferred embryos. This is a quick and absolutely painless procedure. The doctor is going to put back the embryo(s) into your partner’s womb.
- If you are lucky to have more embryos than needed for the transfer, the remaining quantity can be frozen, and used later. It's great news, because if you have to go for more IVF cycles, your partner doesn’t have to do hormone stimulation and egg retrieval again.
- After the transfer you have to wait approximately two weeks to know if you have succeeded.
This is the IVF process in a nutshell, but I somehow have the feeling that it won’t be as simple as it sounds, but we will see.
When I found out that my (future) wife had a fertility issue, and how I felt about it.
Maybe you’ve heard this sentence already: ‘“My wife cannot get pregnant naturally”. I think this sentence should be corrected to: ‘“My partner and I cannot conceive naturally”. It’s not only a more considerate and emphatic way to word it, but in many cases this is much closer to the reality.
"It’s only a ‘macho misbelief’ that infertility is a female issue, and that men cannot be infertile. "
One of the most common and natural processes, in a relationship with a strong emotional bond, is to decide to form a union or partnership together. For most people, having children together is a very evident next step too. Sooner or later, the discussions about expanding the family will become a normal topic and plans will be formulated and tested.
Well, in our case it was a bit different.
I am not 100% sure if we started to speak about the ‘child-topic’ on our first (almost a day long) date, but I am sure that it was an open-topic since the very beginning. My wife was really honest about the fact that she really wanted to have children, but based on some medical exams, she won’t be able to conceive the normal way. It’s never easy to start, and build up a new relationship, and understandably, it was a very important point for her, which she wanted to clarify right at the beginning.
To be honest, I had absolutely neutral feelings about IVF. I didn’t have any negative or positive feelings towards it. In my mind, IVF was a protocol, which solves a problem. It didn’t cross my mind for a second that I might not accept it.
My reaction was absolutely positive and supportive. I was open minded for this alternative life-solution. Firstly, because it was evident to me, if we choose each other, I would like to conceive a child with my love, and secondly, it was not an extra weight on our relationship, but a problem which we have to solve. It was even inspirational and motivational.
My first – which I consider absolutely normal – reaction was (even though she thought that IVF was the only way) that we would resolve this problem naturally without running to the IVF clinic. I thought I could solve this problem.
My confidence was based on a very strong fact. At the age of 47, I was a father of three amazing, healthy, smart, beautiful girls. I didn’t need better evidence that I am able to perform and create offspring. I couldn’t see why I would not be able to perform once again, what I have done 23, 19 and 10 years ago. Of course, it did not even cross my mind that since then many years had passed. Many years with lots of challenges, stress, problems, not to speak about some – not too smart - lifestyle choices, that had left their marks on my overall health and physical condition.
We tried to conceive naturally every month. I’m not saying that we tried everything that we could. We did not check my wife’s basal temperature every morning, we did not create excel sheets with our ‘fertility window’, we did not check the phases of the Moon either. We just did it naturally with love, hoping that somehow there would be someone who would choose us as parents.
After trying for a year, I had to admit that my wife was right (as always ☺ ), and it might be time to see a fertility specialist. I was never worried about going for IVF, I was just hoping that we could do it naturally.
One thing I am absolutely sure of, if you and your partner desire to have children together, and it turns out that it may not be as easy and smooth as you thought it would be, it’s your job, as a supporting partner, to be there for your wife or girlfriend during these turbulent times. Firstly, because this journey can be long, which can put extra weight on your relationship. Secondly, it’s only a ‘macho misbelief’ that infertility is a female issue, and that men cannot be infertile (or to think in just really rare cases, and that 100% it cannot be you). Stay open minded!